By Astrig Agopian

Irina Khanamiryan is a psychologist-counsellor and assistant professor at the Yerevan State University Center of Applied Psychology, and cofounder of the Armenian Association of Child and Educational Psychologists. She worked with displaced families during the 2020 war and kept on working with her children patients from Armenia as well.

What was it like working during the recent Karabakh war?

From the second day of war, we realized it was going to be profoundly serious. We heard about people coming from Artsakh to Armenia. It was not a population displacement yet, but people left because they were scared. And of course, first it’s women and children who fled. And that can be a very traumatic event for children. We understood it would have very serious effects on them. On the other hand, even for the kids living in Armenia, it was a very scary time, because the situation was chaotic. So, with colleagues and our association, we organized ourselves. We made lists of child psychologists all over the country and we volunteered. We have listed more than a hundred professionals across the country so far.

When you say children, which age categories are you talking about?

From 0 to 17 years old. 18 years old boys were already at the front. For the youngest children, it’s also through the parents and especially the mothers that we work. In some cases, the grandmothers. So, we really have to work with children but also the whole family to be able to help.

How is working with children different than working with adults?

The biggest difference for psychologists working with children and not adults is that the children are dependent on children. You cannot really work with children only, or it’s very hard. You need to work with other people to be able to help one child. We know that the psychological situation of the parents or adults around have a very strong effect on children. The fear of one’s mother, or just one word she says, can have a direct impact on a child, even if he/she is doing better. Thus, we also try to educate parents about how to behave around their kids.

How do work do with young children who cannot speak and express their fears?

For young children, who cannot speak yet, before three years old, we have to work mostly with the parents. Because the child is still dependent on the psychological state of the mother especially. And this leads to another issue – pregnant women. Unfortunately, we had cases of pregnant women who lived in very dangerous areas and had to be displaced. They lived a lot of stress that was bad for the child they were carrying. We had to work with them a lot.

What did you observe in children displaced from Karabakh?

Displaced children, besides the trauma of exodus itself, have other elements than can make it worse. They lost their known environment. For pre-teenagers, around 13 years-old, the hardest part is to lose their friends, the places where they loved to hang out, their school. For the youngest, it’s hard to lose the home. Until the age of four, the house is the kid’s universe. Even for those who were welcomed in very good conditions in Armenia, it’s simply not their home. It’s also extremely hard to stop school. I have an example. I remember this child who had just started going to school for the first time, at the beginning of September. And on September 27, war had begun.

Her family fled to Armenia. This girl just couldn’t comprehend it. She was ready for school, she had bought a uniform, books, met her teacher. It was a big and exciting moment for her. It was extremely sudden. When they came as refugees, they were put in a hotel, in good conditions, but there was no school. That child suffered tremendously. Of course, she missed her father, brothers. That’s also another element - the family members fighting. It also depends on what they have seen. All children have very different experiences. Some did not see much because they left early. Others were hiding in basements for days while their village or city was bombed. Some children heard the voices of Azerbaijani soldiers, looking for them, while they were hiding. That’s extremely hard. And it’s a specific trauma that we have to treat.

What was the psychological impact on children in Armenia?

In Armenia too, in many families, the father, the brother, the uncle or a cousin went to war. Some died and some are still missing. So, the issue was also very real for children in Armenia. There is a huge trauma. In Armenia, the children did not have a safety issue, at least not in such a direct way. At least they still saw their friends and did not lose their home. But they had relatives who went to fight. What was harsh here was that it happened at the same time of the Covid pandemic. So, some classes were online, and they spent a lot of time around newscasts, exposed to worrying information non-stop which made the trauma even worse.

How were adults, who had a very hard time psychologically themselves, behaving with children during the war?

There were children who did not know what was happening. It’s quite specific to our culture. We lie and hide stuff from children, including important things. I had a few cases that are very painful. Of children who did not know that their fathers went to fight and had died. The family had to explain that to the child. It was a mess. They had to decide how to explain what happened. The way the child will deal with death is also related to the way it is presented by adults. When adults showcase the person who died as a hero, who defended and saved us, then the child will believe that and will miss the person, but not be scared. In families where it’s said that the person should not have gone, that it was meant to happen, the child will be scared and feel very insecure.

Was hiding the realty from children a mistake?

Yes. We must understand that children are not stupid, they understand most things. There is something in our culture, that we see it as a mission to defend children. But this is harmful. We try so hard that we fail very hard. We lie, we conceal, and we think children do not realize it. Children have the right to know and understand things. They also have the right to be sad, to cry, and to miss people. Children always know. They know when things are bad. So, we need to tell them the truth and help them understand as much as they can depending on their age. Because this is also a way to build trust. If they trust us, they know they can count on us and share things with us. But if we lie to a child, we muddle the idea of trust and foment trust issues.

What should we change in our behavior with children to help them?

Our society needs to understand and accept that children can be in pain and that kids have the right to feel sadness, pain and anger. Once we accept this idea, we can look for solutions and help them. But in Armenian society, we think they do not understand anything, so let’s just lie to them and conceal the bad things. Or, on the other hand we think they will grow up and not remember, so we can say anything in front of them. We simply never respect them. Now I know that there is a collective trauma in our society. But as adults, we need to realize we are responsible for the future of today’s children. Let’s accept that the next generation is not doing well and help them and not make it worse with our aggressive behavior or ignore them.

There is mandatory military service in Armenia. The 2020 war showed once again how real the threat of war is for this country. How does this affect the psyche of boys growing up here?

Usually, boys start voicing the matter of military service in our discussions when they are around 15/16 years old. In cases when the boy mentions military service at nine years old, it means there’s a deeper issue. It’s not related to the military but to the fear of death.

The military is related to war and to death in their mind. So, in these cases we do deeper work about life and death related fears. But it’s very different from person to person. To be honest, most children I have met are willing to go to the army, despite some fear. They have internalized the idea that they will have to fight at some point. And because our society has a very gender-divided vision and education, boys grow up with the idea that it’s normal, that boys use guns and protect the country. And in children from Artsakh, it’s such a self-defense mindset that all of them wanted to go and fight, even those who were too young. I had displaced boys who were fifteen and said, ‘I know how to fight, use a gun. My father and brothers are there, defending our land, what am I doing here?’ and wanted to go on the frontline.

What did you see was lacking during the war?

We needed new methods and to talk with people who had worked with children impacted by war. Many colleagues from Ukraine, Russia and the U.S. helped us. For example, a group of colleagues from the U.S. trained us to work with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to help traumatized children. It was a short, but practical and extremely helpful tool. And once we are trained, we train others to have the biggest impact possible.”

You mentioned parents a lot. What about teachers?

That’s a major question. Children count on their family and then, their teachers. School is a very important place for kids. We try to train teachers, as the first psychological help, and as people who can ring the alarm if necessary. The teacher also needs to know about the child’s past and possible trauma to be able to understand some behaviors and to know how to deal with the child. If it’s done the right way, teachers can be very useful for traumatized children. Sometimes, they can be more helpful than family members who are themselves very traumatized. And kids don’t need pity and do not need to be treated differently either.

Dis you receive government support?

No. There was nothing of the sort. It was thanks to our volunteering and personal resources. Now it’s changing, the government is giving some financial help, but at the time no.”

What does the country need at the moment to make actual changes and help children do better?

One major thing, and we are working on it with UNICEF for example, is training people in all the regions. And we need to keep doing that, to have qualified people not only in big cities.

We need to be ready because the war showed us that we were not. We need to accept that we need psychological help and that we will need it again because of where we live. We also need to communicate, so that people know that they can get help. We need to have media attention, for people to know that it is not shameful to feel bad and to seek for help.

We need to stop avoiding reality and to accept that mental health matters. Sector professionals   also need to monitor themselves because it has been terribly painful and difficult for us. That’s where the help of our diaspora is important. We need the support to be able to keep on working even you are also scared of the war.